“How are you doing?”
You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone is asking this question out of pure obligation or simply just out of habit? They could care less about the real answer or about what is really going on inside.
Well, this just hasn’t seemed to be the case for us lately. I have been asked this question more times than I can count over the past week since the kids and I have arrived home. And, as if asking it one time doesn’t suffice, they will make sure they make stable eye contact with me and repeat the question, but this time add, “How are you REALLY doing?”:)
I really do want to tell you how I’m doing, how the kids are adjusting, how Josh and Alethia are holding up (when I actually do get to talk to them and hear an update myself!)…but I feel like I’m going minute to minute so often that I honestly can’t even put a finger on how I’m doing to communicate it. You might just say that I’m emotionally unstable or just putting on a front because one minute I’m totally fine and the next I’m sobbing uncontrollably. Hey, it doesn’t help that I’m pregnant, right?! RIGHT?!
I really feel like we are doing well, given our circumstances. I have had my moments of desperation where I’ve cried out to anyone for help just to get away to think for a little bit on my own (thank you Hatchie and Leelee for coming to my rescue today), but for the most part, I feel like we are living life as normal.
But then, all of a sudden I’m reminded of exactly where we are. This strange season we have been placed in. I don’t hate where we are, for some reason, but I find myself begging for it to be over or to at least see a glimpse of hope from the other side.
It usually comes when I have a spare second and I can sneak away to check my email, “just one more time”, to see if there could possibly be ANYTHING that would help our case or to just hear that “there must have been some misunderstanding” and that Josh and Alethia are on their way home RIGHT NOW! Or it will come when Cai looks at me and questions why Shabila can’t play with his cars with him. Or it will come when one of the older kids will come lay their head in my lap and just say that they miss their daddy or ask why Shabby can’t come home yet. Or when I walk down the hallway and see pictures of our sweet little girl strategically placed throughout our house to make her feel like part of our family.
Those are the moments where I can’t pretend that life is vanilla and am reminded of exactly where we are as a family.
I do realize that we aren’t alone in this. That many families are “stuck” just like we are in their adoption processes. That some families are far worse off than we are and in much harder circumstances than we are, totally unrelated to adoption at all. But, this is our story and this is where WE are…
So, to answer the question which so many of you have sincerely asked me over and over, here it is: I am tired, I’m hopeful, I’m frustrated, I’m motivated, I’m extremely unmotivated, I’m thankful, I’m sad, I’m confused, I’m irritable, I’m overwhelmed (by the good AND the bad, if that makes sense)…but I’m fine. We’re fine.
We know that God has got this. We have NO idea what the next step is, much less what the outcome is going to be, but we know that God has got this. He’s got US! And He doesn’t care if I’m a blubbering mess or if I act like I have it all together. And I’m SO thankful for the support He has placed around us who don’t care either:) Thank you all for allowing us to just be…no matter HOW we really are.